Ask a man what the magic formula is for turning on a woman sexually and you're likely to be met with a heaving shrug. For years, scientists have been just as perplexed. And to a large degree, arousal has mystified even women themselves. The only consensus: the female mind, heart, and genitals all need to be in on the effort in order for arousal to occur. But recently, a handful of sex researchers have gotten on the case — and their fascinating findings may help improve your sex life.
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Ask a man what the magic formula is for turning on a woman sexually and you're likely to be met with a heaving shrug. For years, scientists have been just as perplexed.
And to a large degree, arousal has mystified even women themselves. The only consensus: the female mind, heart, and genitals all need to be in on the effort in order for arousal to occur. But recently, a handful of sex researchers have gotten on the case — and their fascinating findings may help improve your sex life.
Meredith Chivers, Ph. For the guys, the findings were straightforward enough: The straight men in the study were physically aroused by women, gay men were aroused by men, and neither group felt any stirrings for the apes. The men's physical reactions erections were in agreement with what they reported being turned on by. The women in the study, on the other hand, didn't react as predictably.
While they reported feeling aroused in the ways you might expect straight women were turned on by men, lesbians by women , measurements of their vaginal blood flow showed that they were physically aroused by all the forms of coupling they saw — even the bonobos. Were they lying? Not exactly. The women in Chivers's study were aroused by all the images — but that doesn't mean they desired to have sex with the people or animals they saw.
Lori Brotto, Ph. Many women wonder things like "When am I going to get to the gym? Brotto offers two possible explanations: "Women are consummate multitaskers, and society rewards this ability.
Sound familiar? There's a physical explanation, too. They also begin masturbating earlier. Or sometimes it's just that the mind takes a while to catch up. Ever since sex researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson revolutionized thinking about human sexual function and dysfunction in the s and s, conventional wisdom has held that there's a linear progression: People feel desire and then become aroused; the physical sensations intensify and it all ends with one big earth-shattering orgasm.
But current research is showing that for some women, desire doesn't necessarily come first. She may be stressed or tired or, to Brotto's point, focusing on a million other things. Rates of women who are opting for preventive mastectomies, such as Angeline Jolie, have increased by an estimated 50 percent in recent years, experts say. But many doctors are puzzled because the operation doesn't carry a percent guarantee, it's major surgery -- and women have other options, from a once-a-day pill to careful monitoring.
The idea is to enable women to stay focused on sex by integrating the physical with the mental so that mental excitement can heighten physical arousal and vice versa. To try it at home, Brotto suggests spending 10 minutes a day paying very close attention to any activity — walking the dog, washing dishes, drinking a cup of coffee.
To achieve this, imagine putting your wandering thoughts on a conveyor belt and watching them slowly roll away. Brotto advises next getting familiar with your body by examining and touching yourself during or after a shower, experimenting with what feels good. When you're ready, work toward incorporating the focusing exercise while you're aroused, either alone or with your partner.
Eventually you'll become attuned to what you're feeling during sex rather than letting your thoughts escape the bedroom. A slightly different aspect of desire has been the focus of studies by University of Utah psychologist Lisa Diamond, Ph.
She's been interviewing a group of roughly women for nearly 15 years, asking them questions about changes in their sexual cravings and reactions over time. One of Diamond's subjects is a straight woman who became intimate with her female roommate. In cases where both women identify themselves as heterosexual, a series of what she calls "situational factors" come into play.
The other is proximity: There's something very powerful about spending a lot of time together — as roommates, travel partners, or close colleagues, Diamond says. The woman in the study ended up in a two-year relationship with the roommate, after which she went back to sleeping with men.
Diamond's research reiterates the fact that female desire defies easy categorization. University of Nevada psychologist Marta Meana, Ph. Meana originally set out to see how men's and women's visual attention patterns differ from one another when they look at erotic images — in this case, very sexy shots of nearly naked people in a panoply of sexual positions. Meana outfitted her research subjects with eye-tracking goggles, which measured eye movement per millisecond.
The result: "Men barely looked at the guy in the picture. Women have to be convinced that they are desirable in order to believe that anyone else finds them desirable. In her private counseling practice, Meana sees many couples in which the woman "will completely avoid certain sex positions because she's embarrassed by how she thinks her body looks. But the husband hasn't even thought of that. He's shocked 'That's why you won't get on top?
Because you think your breasts sag?! Sometimes, the key to better sex might be repairing your relationship with yourself. There's no one-size-fits-all solution, but Meana works with her patients to help them figure out what would make them feel desirable. For some women, it might be as easy as buying sexy lingerie. For others, it might be overcoming physical insecurities by adopting a new workout routine. One thing she doesn't recommend, though, is dimming the lights during sex even using candlelight!
Meana's research may be easier to digest than Chivers's or Diamond's, both of which point out women's potential to desire some rather shocking things. But according to Leiblum, all of these theories are loosely connected. The bottom line: "There's no one right path to desire or arousal. You can feel these because you have an intense emotional relationship with another person. Or maybe you're looking at sexy pictures and something gets triggered.
There are many roads to Rome. Regardless of their particular take on the subject, all the researchers offer the same advice: Don't worry about how you're supposed to feel. The right ones might be "Does this feel right? Show discussion. Sexual health on NBCNews. While male sexuality is fairly predictable, research suggests that female sexuality is stimulated by a surprisingly wide array of turn-ons.
By Hillary Rosner. Discuss: Discussion comments. Expand Collapse. View all comments. Leave your comment. Related: Sexual health Advertise. Sexual health. Top health stories. Popular stories currently unavailable Top videos Popular videos currently unavailable.
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I'm an ob-gyn who travels the country lecturing about sex—but believe it or not, I haven't always known how to enjoy my body. I had my first orgasm at 30, and now I consider it my job to make sure women don't have to wait as long as I did. I got there by un learning everything I'd been taught about sex. I can remember being seven years old and hearing my mom spell "s-e-x" while talking to a friend on the porch of our house in Alabama.
From her hushed tone, I knew she was talking about something very naughty. As I got older, I was told to "keep your panties up and your dress down," common advice for Southern girls. I was even instructed to scrub my "down there" quickly, lest I discover the pleasure that bathing could bring. I dutifully saved my virginity for marriage and didn't like sex once I had it. I faked orgasms for years.
I'd hear friends talk about doing this or that in bed and looking forward to getting their partners naked and I'd wonder, What the heck is wrong with me? Why I ever decided to become an ob-gyn I can't tell you, but I'm so glad I did—in part because it was my patients who helped snap me out of my pleasureless fog. They asked me questions about sex, not just vaginas or babies.
I remember one patient asked, "Is anal sex safe? I started by reading everything I could get my hands on: sex therapy textbooks, magazine articles, sex manuals like The Joy of Sex. I'd seen plenty of other women's private parts, but never my own, so—yep—I grabbed a mirror and took a look. When that first orgasm happened, it wasn't some skilled loverboy who showed me how; it was me. Today, I've been married for 20 years and have a fulfilling and adventurous sex life.
Having made my own transformation from prude to sex expert, I want to help other women get the satisfaction they deserve. By the time you've finished this very personal! May the rest be X-rated history. We women are supposed to be so empowered these days—in command of our careers, our bank accounts and our sex lives. But if you grew up in a home that taught you sex was shameful, those old messages could be living on in your subconscious, mucking things up in the bedroom.
They certainly did for me. To start tackling my sexual baggage, I made a list of all the negative messages I'd received about sex and then wrote positive ones next to them: "Only bad girls enjoy sex" became "Every girl deserves to enjoy sex. It actually turned into a fun bedroom game that served a dual purpose: getting me over my hang-ups and getting me in the mood.
A common lament I hear from women is "He can't find my clitoris. The pea-size tissue you see between the labia is the tip of the iceberg—the full clitoris fans out deep into the pelvis. I often give couples a lesson I call Clitoris The basic premise? Don't go straight for the "pea. Ignoring all the stuff around the "pea" is like touching just the head of a man's penis.
What man wouldn't gently correct us if we tried that? What speed or pressure works best for you? Is there a go-to fantasy oh, yes sir, Officer … that brings you to climax like clockwork?
If you can't rattle off the answers to these questions, figure them out—knowing how to give yourself pleasure is key to being able to enjoy yourself with someone else. One patient of mine found that her best masturbation fantasy was a menage a trois with two men; another figured out that touching herself felt best when she lay on her stomach.
Once you know exactly what gets you there, you can show your partner—or just let your mind wander back to it when you need a little push over the edge. Hopefully, the answer is yes—you deserve to get as good as you give. One patient told me she'd read everything written about fellatio, and even when her partner was trying to please her, she was distracted, thinking about what tricks she'd use on him next.
Enough's enough. You know how satisfied it makes you feel when you give your partner a really good time? He'll feel the same way if you lie back and let him do it for you. The way you feel about your body directly and profoundly affects your sexuality. One woman I treated had always had a satisfying sex life—until she had a baby. Then she felt fat, hated the new shape of her breasts and missed her prebaby abs.
And when her husband touched her in those vulnerable places, she'd push his hands away. Eventually, she started avoiding sex altogether. It may sound corny, but I told her to buy a journal and record in it one positive thing about her body every day.
When a month had passed and she hadn't run out of things to write, she finally accepted the truth: Her body was worth appreciating, and satisfying, just as it was. Exercise helps too— it produces chemicals that can actually ramp up sex drive and arousal. I've handed my office Kleenex box to too many women who felt empty, sad or lonely after a sexual experience. Bad sex with someone you love is one thing—sex that makes you feel bad about yourself is another thing altogether.
Take a minute to remember the last few times you had sex and why you did it—and then, this is key, think about the quality of the sex in each of those cases. Great reasons to have sex: You want to connect; you're making up after a fight; it's a celebration wedding night, anniversary ; you're making a baby; you're horny, pure and simple.
Not-so-great reasons to have sex: You want him to stay the night; you want to avoid a fight; you want someone to love you; you're afraid he'll leave you if you don't. Think about it. For a truly fulfilling sex life, a woman needs to discover the pleasure spots that aren't covered by her undies. One of my patients found that nipple stimulation alone could bring her to orgasm. Another found a soft, sensitive point on the backs of her knees that made her crazy.
I've got a spot behind my right ear that makes my toes curl. You've got to come up with at least five. Then show them to your partner so he can push your buttons better. I've lost track of how many patients have come into my office anxious about the size or length of their labia, or the way they smell or taste. Otherwise, just take my word for it: Unless you're fighting chronic infections or have labia so large that it hurts to wear underwear, you are normal. And whether you agree or not, men think we're pretty darn good-looking down there—I hear it from my patients' husbands and boyfriends all the time.
Still, no matter what men think, you need to learn to like your sexual parts. If that means blowing this month's shoe budget on a Brazilian wax, fine—whatever works for you. I go for gorgeous underwear. There's nothing like wearing La Perla to make me want to take off my La Perla.
Get up and look at yourself in the bathroom mirror after sex. Are you flushed, spacey-looking, smiling? Or are you frowning a little, furrowing your brow, distracted? Sometimes we need to ask our bodies, not our brains, if we like sex—the mind can justify so-so experiences, but your face in the mirror at 2 A.
And if you don't like what you see? Climb back into bed and get yourself some sleep already! You can wait till morning to ask yourself question number 10, which might well change everything…. When it comes to talking to your partner, my advice is simple: Tell him what makes you the crazy-wonderful sexual being you are, and ask him to give your crazy-wonderful naked body exactly what it needs. You request exactly what you crave from waiters all the time—salad instead of fries, fizzy water, extra sauce—so why not do the same with your lover?
Believe me, he'll give you what you want—you're a big tipper! Hilda Hutcherson, M. She writes a monthly sexual health column for Glamour and a daily column on glamour. By Rosemary Brennan and Emily Morse.
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