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But, I had a fridge full of Surge, so it was all good. So I sat down at my desk and started to do my thing. Entertainment See all. One lonely evening my parents attended a wedding out of town and I had the house to myself. As karma would have it, my parents came home from that wedding.
Embarrassed naked twinks. Highlights
But sometimes, it's to make us laugh. The result is not pretty click here for the uncensored version , but it is pretty funny. Here are 18 others like it. At the very beginning of this PG feature, Bart skateboards all the way to Krusty Burger in his birthday suit — because his father dared him to.
Well, it really wasn't Stiller's, but you get the idea. Click here for the uncensored version — and prepare to wince. Seth Rogen's apocalyptic buddy comedy is still in some theaters, so it's too early for shots of the enormous, smoldering devil penis that towers over Los Angeles at the end of the film to make their way to the internet.
Needless to say, it is literally the biggest penis joke in the history of feature film comedy. Click here to watch the uncensored version. There are few things scarier or funnier than the naked husband of the woman your best buddy just slept with attacking your car after you break into his house to get your buddy's wallet back.
Trust us. At a bottomless party, Harold and Kumar are delighted to see lots of half-naked women the lower half! He's apparently never heard of manscaping. Click here for the uncensored version. Except for this lovely shot of Davitian's taint. Robin Williams plays a homeless man living in Central Park who is on a quest to find the holy grail, so, obviously, peen.
Ah, genital mutilation. That old horror film standby. Piranha 3D upped the ante by giving us a mutilated underwater penis in the third dimension. Jeong's self-described "small penis" also pops up in The Hangover Part II , but the first time is still by far the funniest.
Living outside the confines of society sometimes means shedding one's clothes. That's what free love is all about.
Sad to say, this particular penis is fake. I would always bust into my hand, because this made it easier for me to dispose of the evidence into one or six Kleenex's. This particular day, I finish up, unaware that another soul is down the hall, when my mom opens the door immediately. My first instinct: Eat it. I slurped it up so fast, and just nodded "yes" and "no" to my mom's ranting questions with a mouth full of my own product.
After she left, I spit it into a bunch of tissues and threw it out. It didn't taste like pudding like my asshole year-old friends said it would. One afternoon in college, I had an overwhelming urge. My roommate and I were sitting around drinking, and he decided that he was going to go smoke some doot doot with one of my other friends.
Noticing my window of opportunity, I declined the invitation. When he left, I waited about 90 seconds to make sure that he didn't leave anything behind. I was so backed up that I didn't even need the assistance of our communal porn collection.
I start cranking away the Mets game is on in the background by the way , and I hear my roommate's keys coming down the stairs toward our dorm room. Immediately flaccid, I panic and run to the corner of the room, just behind the door. I try and fail to pull up my jeans before my roommate opens the door and hits me.
To this day, if I show up late to a bar, I'm greeted with that line by every single person I know. And everyone thinks I'm gay for David Wright.
One of my high school buddies was in mid-jerk when his mom walked into his room with a pile of laundry in her arms. Instead of copping to it, rolling over or otherwise covering up the situation, he said "Hey mom, I've got this thing on my penis that I need you to check" and proceeded to bend his hard on, flexing the shaft to isolate the area where the phantom zit or wart could have been.
His mom took a quick glance and said, "Ah, yeah He went on to become a minor-league pitcher. Year: High school. I had just moved into the basement like a "cool kid. My own floor of the house, my own bathroom, and best of all, a TV and computer to myself, and by TV I mean a inch box, and by computer I mean a pound robot that hummed louder than a jet plane.
But, I had a fridge full of Surge, so it was all good. One lonely evening my parents attended a wedding out of town and I had the house to myself. I ordered stuff crust pizza and watched Malcolm in the Middle re-runs. I also starting ferociously downloading a video from Limewire.
In those days, a video took forever to download, so you had to plan ahead for hours. Once everything was finished, I had my setup down and sat down butt naked on the computer chair and pressed play. One of my tricks was to set videos to "re-play" on Windows Media Player The video would just start back up. It must have been a late night, because I ended up falling asleep. As karma would have it, my parents came home from that wedding. They came down to say goodnight, and the sight they saw was me, butt-ass naked, reclined back in a computer chair, dick-in-hand, and a Jenna Jameson video on repeat on their computer.
This makes me realize how much I take for granted the ability to take an 8oz. I was 12 when I discovered cumming for the first time, and the world quickly became my oyster. I stuck my dick in just about anything I could. And because I was a year-old moron, I never even thought about using my hand and some lotion. Instead, it was, "Hey, if I kneel on the floor, I can stick my dick between my box spring and my mattress. I should fuck that. On one such occasion, I was laying on the couch in my mom's sewing room thrusting my dong between the two cushions, when my mom came in and decided she needed to work on one of her projects.
I was stuck with my dick in the couch: a frozen statue of masturbation shame. After some awkward conversation with my mom, I eventually had to fake like I fell asleep. Thankfully she left three hours later, and I did get to finish the job.
It wasn't until I was 14 that I found out I could masturbate without chafing the skin off my dick. One summer during college, I was living with my parents. For some reason back then, when I beat off, I would only lift my shirt and pull my head under the neck hole, leaving my arms in my sleeves like a god damn T-Rex. Anyway, I finished my business and must have passed out in ecstasy, leaving my DNA on my belly. I woke up the next day at 10 a. I looked down at the dry batch on my stomach and heard the moans coming from the TV and was horrified.
My parents had already left for work. I should also mention they always have their coffee and read the paper in said family room. I avoided my mother for about 36 hours until she finally grabbed me and said, "Hey, sleep in your own bed at night. It was my freshman year of college, and I lived in a typical dorm setting at a breezy coastal university.
Anyway, one afternoon I've got the room to myself, and I've just finished a fine round of post-workout pornography-assisted self stimulation, and I realize I am feeling a bit chaffed between my ass cheeks, and I decide that it would feel just grand to apply a little baby powder to the affected area. The natural place to do this in my tiny little dorm room was, of course, my bed. So I assume a comfortable position and there I am with my gym shorts around my knees, ankles in the air, asshole exposed and pointed directly at the door when I hear the door handle turn, and the door—which I had stupidly left unlocked—swung open horror welling up inside me at this point and my roommate's best friend comes strolling in.
The porn is still running on my screen, the room reeks of fresh cum and sweaty ass, and there I am on full display. I feel like it all would have been okay if it had been my actual roommate. Shit happens in close quarters. I was beating off in my in-laws' bathroom late at night. Just as I'm reaching climax, my wife flies through the door like Seal Team Six, demanding, "What are you doing!?!? As fast as she came, she went, scurrying back to bed, seemingly embarrassed and sorry for the intrusion.
I regain my composure and confidence. I clean up, and head back to bed. Instead of the typical slither back into the room, I'm walking tall, proud of my quick thinking and quicker reactions. My adrenaline is racing like I just out ran the cops. As I laid my head on my pillow, heart racing from adrenaline, my wife quietly but sternly says, "Please don't jerk off in my parents' house.
I was 15, and I was taking a ride on my own pleasure horse. It was about 9 a. My bedroom door opened, and my mother walked in. I immediately pulled the covers up, and while I'm not totally sure if she saw anything, I think we both knew what had been transpiring.
Mom: "Sorry. I thought you'd want to know that the Notorious B. It was Feb. I decided it was time to take a shower, so I got naked and put the towel around me to go down the hall to the shower. But before I opened the door, I realized I had a couple hours to kill, and I was already naked, so why not some porn?
So I sat down at my desk and started to do my thing. About 15 minutes after leaving, my roommate comes back into the room having forgotten his gift or wallet, and I'm just sitting there ass naked with headphones on wailing away.
So I X-out the screen and just sit there for what felt like forever as he grabbed his stuff and left.
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