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This column is basically a place for me to call bullshit on girl related stuff that I think is dumb. D in pretty girl bullshit. So far, so obvious.
Like I should, with tears streaming down my face, thank them on behalf of all womankind for being so understanding about our little "issue". And finally, what about all the asshole women who act like not waxing is the same as not brushing your teeth for three weeks, or surviving on a diet of bar nuts and Yop?
Who are all these people and why do they care so much about what my vagina is wearing?! Like, at all. I then proceeded to gaze in horror at her weird, hairless arms, and wonder how much money she spent monthly on painkillers, wax strips and goose fat. This did not help me to relax. Because being hairless and smelling of a used tampon sprayed with kitchen cleaner right?! In order to properly understand this issue, I am going to hijack an article from thegloss.
Have the nominations for the next Nobel Peace prize been delegated yet? Anonymous 1: Not too much, obviously, but not too little either.
Brazilian is weird. Girls can change it up, and then it's like I'm having sex with multiple people. PGB says: What? Multiple people? Are you a particularly gullible person? Do you have special vagina goggles that allow you to block out all our other features? If so, please link them to me for next week's article.
Anonymous 2: I love body hair on women, although ape arms can be a bummer. PGB says: Ape arms a bummer? Anonymous 3: I don't want sanitary sex.
If she's the kind of person that's gonna be uptight about pubic hair, she's not gonna be that rock n roll. Like, I want the kind of sex that you wake up so dishevelled that you kind of wonder if the other person is still OK with it.
PGB says: Hey friend? This is a published interview. You should consider not saying stuff about waking up after sex and wondering if it was non-consensual. PS: since when have pubic hair and "rock n roll" been related? I needed to conduct my own survey. So I asked three not-anonymous males to draw body hair onto the outlines of two women. One was meant to have "good hair", and the other one "bad hair".
Not-Anonymous 1: Max. This is Max, I found him in my flatmate's bed this morning. With this in mind I leapt into bed, snuggled up next to him and watched him get creative. Regardless, he still expects your pubic region to resemble a mini Mars bar. He also gave his "Bad" picture hair on her arms. Not-Anonymous 2: Mike This is Mike. He is a law student. That is me on a good day, TBH. Also, the lack of eyebrows on any of the "good hair" examples was worrying.
It pretty much implies that hot, waxed bodies look best when topped off with a totally expressionless face. I was reluctant to let Steve participate because he'd sat and watched Mike do his and I was all like: these conditions are not conducive to a fair test! But he convinced me he had a totally different opinion of "Good" hair. Foolishly I believed him.
After watching him painstakingly draw hairs onto "Good hair"'s head in a style that recalled a young Roberto Baggio, he proceeded to leave the rest of her body untouched. I only had three hand-drawn sets of bodies and this was the last. I'm still seething. Mohawks are traditionally associated with punk rock and rebellion.
The Shard: Fashion hair into a sharp, upward point using strong-holding gel. Shave surrounding area. The Beautiful Flower: Curl hair into wanton ringlets and let fall naturally. Additional petals optional. The Hot Dog: All off, and a glistening coat of oil pref.
The Suburbia: Kept short and neat like a nice lawn. Daily maintenance imperative. Follow Bertie on Twitter: BertieBrandes. Get up to date with Pretty Girl Bullshit here.